Matthew McConaughey graces us with his presence to talk taxes, his last name, and whether or not he’ll put his shirt back on.

The Hollywood Ham: Philip, you have built up a resume on par with the best ever. How do you do it?

Philip Seymour Hoffman: Listen, I know you’re excited to meet me, but I’m just like any other guy. I go to work, I come home from work. I do it again the next day.

HH: Very humble of you. But are you saying it’s not exciting anymore? You’re one of the best actors of this generation.

PSH: To be honest with you, it gets kind of boring nailing it every time.

HH: What do you do to spice it up?

PSH: I take roles destined to fail. Take Mission Impossible 3.

HH: Great film. Love the series.

PSH: Stop kissing my ass. Those movies inspire bad acting so I thought there would be no chance I’d do well, but oops, nailed it anyway.

HH: What about the prestige pictures? Doubt?

PSH: Perfect example - I thought Meryl Streep would put me in my place and I’d learn from the master.

HH: And?

PSH: You saw the film. Didn’t turn out that way, did it?

HH: You even killed in Along Came Polly.

PSH: I don’t know what that is, but you’re probably right. Hell, I even killed in a movie where I co-starred with a ferret.

HH: That’s Along Came Polly! You nailed–

PSH: Only I can say I nailed it. And I did…

PSH: Nail it.

The Hollywood Ham: Excuse me sir, that seat’s reserved for Chris Cooper. We’re interviewing him here today.

Chris Cooper: I am Chris Cooper.

HH: Incorrect. I think Chris Cooper has close cropped hair. You have a long, straight hair and a mustache.

CC: I think you’re picturing me in American Beauty.

HH: Right, right. Chris Cooper - loves his son. Hates gays.

CC: Well, that was my character.

HH: Why is it that nobody knows what you look like? We all know you exist, but we can’t picture you.

CC: To be honest, even I couldn’t tell you what I look like. Doesn’t that blow your mind?

HH: Not at all.

CC: Sometimes I think I’ll at least recognize me when I see me, but nope. I look different every time.

HH: Does that make it hard to view your movies?

CC: Does it ever. After seeing Adaptation for the fifth time, I went up to Spike Jonze and asked him why he cut all my scenes. Turns out I was the villain. Same thing happened with Seabiscuit.

HH: You were in that?

CC: Apparently.

HH: I thought that was Willem Dafoe.

CC: After seeing Capote, I could’ve sworn I was the lead. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted when Philip Seymour Hoffman got the Oscar nod for the role I thought I played the hell out of.

HH: See-Hoff clearly was channeling you. And he nailed it.

The Hollywood Ham: So what is it that they call you? Captain Dreamy?

Patrick Dempsey: They call me “McDreamy.”

HH: Did they leave off the “MD” because you’re Irish?

PD: Why would they do that?

HH: Racism…May I suggest Captain McDreamy, MD? Has a ring to it.

PD: I’ll run it by the gossip columns.

HH: Thank you. I expect royalties. Moving along…Grey’s Anatomy has caught a lot of flack for not accurately portraying cancer.

PD: I wouldn’t know anything about that.

HH: You’ve never known anyone with cancer?

PD: I’ve never seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

HH:. Thank God. I haven’t either. What else haven’t you seen?

PD: Made of Honor.

HH: Enchanted?

PD: Nope.

HH: What other movies have you been in?

PD: Freedom Writers?

HH: Did you see it?

PD: I saw Dangerous Minds.

HH: Close enough. Meatballs III?

PD: Watch it everyday.

The Hollywood Ham: We’re here with Oscar nominated actor- just kidding, Billy Bob — Oscar nominated drummer, Billy Bob Thornton.

Billy Bob Thornton: That makes no sense.

HH: Calm down, Billy Bob. No need to get all “Joaquin” on me.

BBT: What?

HH: Anybody who’s anybody has been comparing your interview on the CBC to Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman.

BBT: That’s the furthest thing from the truth.

HH: Didn’t both interviews take place in crazy town?

BBT: The difference is that Joaquin used to be considered normal. But me, I’m a loose cannon. Always have been. What made you think I wasn’t crazy?

HH: Sling Blade.

BBT: Have you even seen that movie?

HH: The Alamo?

BBT: Would you ask Tom Petty that?

HH: I have.

BBT: What’d he say?

HH: That she’s an American girl.

BBT: Are you trying to outcrazy me?

HH: Is it working?

BBT: No. It’s normal to me. If anything you’re speaking my language. I’m gonna put a tattoo of your face with Angelina’s body on my knuckles. That way when I punch people, they think some fem version of you is coming at them. Rowdy rowdy rah hah.

HH: You win.

The Hollywood Ham: People have been questioning your hygiene lately. How do you feel about that?

Robert Pattinson: Great. Any publicity is good publicity, right?

HH: But they’re calling you smelly.

RP: I don’t feel the need for showering. I’m just going to get dirty again. You don’t wash a dish if you’re about to put food on it, right?

HH: I only use bowls. Are there any shower scenes in New Moon?

RP: No.

HH: Really? You’d think you’d kill two birds with one stone. Give the ladies a gander at the goods. And clear up any non-showering controversy.

RP: I told the director, Chris Weitz, that there’s no way Edward would shower. It’d wash all the shiny glitter off him.

HH: Are there any swimming scenes? A soak’s as good as a shower.

RP: New Moon will be me not showering for 90 minutes.

HH: When was the last time you showered?

RP: I walked in the rain a few weeks ago.

HH: Did you have a bar of soap with you?

RP: Actually yes. But it didn’t do much good under my umbrella.

HH: Shower.

The Hollywood Ham: Thank you, Mr. Jackson, for talking to us. May I call you ‘Sammy J’?

Samuel L. Jackson: No you may not.

HH: Noted. You just signed a nine picture deal to play Nick Fury. The original character was White, yet you’re Black. Tell us about that.

Sammy J: My goal as an actor is to be in every movie ever made. Black, White, Asian - Shit, I don’t care, as long as I get the part.

HH: But a nine picture deal? You’re already 60 years old. By the time these are are produced, you’ll be well into your seventies.

Sammy J: Shit, I’ll make nine Nick Fury movies this year.

HH: Seems like quite the workload.

Sammy J: Mark my words. Nine in ‘09.

HH: When will you have the time to do it?

Sammy J: Listen, I shoot feature length movies in a week.

HH: I don’t think that’s possible.

Sammy J: Shit, I’m shooting a movie as we speak.

HH: Where are the cameras?

Sammy J: Fuck the cameras. You ever see Pulp Fiction?

HH: Of course.

Sammy J: I filmed that in 14 seconds.

The Hollywood Ham: Miley, great to have you here. We’ve been fans since we saw your shoulders.

Miley Cyrus: I got in some trouble for that. I blame Annie.

HH: The orphan?

MC: Liebowitz.

HH: Anyway, we asked you here because someone peed in all our cokes. We think it may have been you playing a joke.

MC: What are you saying?

HH: You’re Chinese and you may or may not have played a joke.

MC: I’m not Chinese.

HH: Well, we have some photographs where you look Chinese.

MC: That’s me making a goofy face.

HH: Ohhh, my mistake. Are you saying Asians have goofy faces?

MC: Yes.

HH: I did notice that the one Asian in the picture was not making the face with his hands.

MC: He didn’t need to. I only smushed my face because that’s what they look like.

HH: So you’re just a big racist, right?

MC: I also peed in your coke.

The Hollywood Ham: Ok, the big elephant in the room. Let’s talk about it.

Josh Brolin: That I’m up against Heath Ledger for “Best Supporting Actor?”

HH: Are you? Didn’t realize. I was talking about the much rumored Goonies sequel.

JB: Who’s been talking about that?

HH: Me and the back of the Goonies VHS box. Anyway, you were talking about something?

JB: That Heath Ledger is ruining my shot at an Oscar.

HH: But he’s dead.

JB: Exactly. If I win, I just look like a dick. I’ll go down as the guy who ruined Heath Ledger’s legacy.

HH: And if you lose to the dead guy?

JB: I go down as the guy who got beat by a dead guy.

HH: Quite the conundrum.

JB: But I want that Oscar. Not to take anything from Heath’s performance, but I thought I did a great job.

HH: Tell me about it. The scene where you take on the Fratelli Brothers: Classic.

JB: You don’t have to tell me. I was there.

Natalie Portman reveals that The Shins never changed her life, forever changing ours.