“Look, it’s simple: little girls love ponies and women love bare-chested men, so it follows that centaurs skew young adolescent,” said one analyst. “This thing is going to hit them right in their sweet spot.”

In a video posted to his website, the voiceover is accompanied by a dramatic shot of Braff gazing out a rain-splattered window while life-changing realizations pervade his mind.

“I don’t know who took those pictures, but they’ll have two big guns coming at them,” added Lautner, referring to his biceps. “My lawyers will also be contacting them shortly with a formal subpoena.” Full Story

“Is this some sort of Korean baby revenge?” asked Heigl. “Did those slave drivers at Grey’s put her up to this? First the eight hour work days and now this.” Full Story

“He kept drunkenly sauntering over to our table to periodically tell us that ‘he loved getting naked on camera’ and when we didn’t respond, he’d tell us that we should ‘loosen up’,” said one of the girls Keitel hit on.

While auto-ertoticsm is often a taboo subject, the trailer has created a community of masturbators, proud of their accomplishments. Message boards have been filled with users bragging about how many times they masturbated, ranging from 3 to 147 times. Full Story

“Billy Mays went down just when we were going to report that Alfonso Ribiero had a heart attack,” said an AP spokesman. Full Story