Despite the upcoming release of a new album, R&B singer Chris Brown has felt lost recently, as his damaged public image has left him devoid of women to beat.

“I have a new album out and I need to celebrate,” announced the beleaguered batterer of women, “I haven’t felt this great since I was on my way to the Grammy’s. But without channelling it into some good ol’ fashion fist to face action, it just feels empty.”

Brown went on to state add to that it’s “been far too long since [he] laid a haymaker into the body of a woman” and would settle for any girl who “knew the deal.”

When asked if he had any preference, Brown was quick to say that he’d be grateful just to punch the cashier at Denny’s. “That’s what it has come to. Raining pain on the old lady working the graveyard shift at my favorite restaurant. I mean, she’s asking for it - wondering how me meal was, and all. Bitch please, it was delicious. Now stay still for a second.”

To celebrate the release of his new album, Graffiti, Brown threw a record release party and invited many women. Nobody was punched.

“It was a good time, I guess,” recalled a noticeably crestfallen Brown, who took a couple practice swings at the air to “stay fresh”. “It’s all relative though. A man needs a good woman by his side to enjoy life. And then he needs to teach her a lesson.”