Gunfire rang throughout a Chicago suburb as an employee of Little Nero’s, a popular pizza chain, was attacked after making a delivery.

According the pizza boy, who wished to remain anonymous, the assailant was an agitated old man who not only took pleasure in attacking him, but laughed while doing so.

“He said he was gonna give me to the count of ten,” said the blonde-haired delivery boy. “There’s no way that crazed maniac got to ten before that tommy gun started firing off rounds.”

The pizza boy was also emotionally distressed from the ordeal. “He called me ugly, yellow, and a filthy animal. Plus, the guy was a real cheapskate. Barely left a tip.”

A police investigation, led by an officer who only went by “Harry,” yielded no further evidence. The residence, belonging to the McCallister family, showed no damages.

“If there were in fact gunshots, wouldn’t there have been bullet holes?” said the officer with a gold tooth. “The place has been jumping too. Parties, dancing. I saw Michael Jordan there one night.”